Bayonetta, real name Cereza is an Umbran witch, the kind of witch you don’t F**K with that is! For centuries, the Umbran witches and the Luman sages lived in harmony. Each with an “Eye of the World”, the witches of course, the eye of darkness that govern Hell/Inferno, the Sages, eye of light that govern Heaven/Paradiso, that is, until a Sage, Balder, and a Witch, Rosa, made a forbidden love and birthed a child that has both worlds….That child of course, is Cereza…..So the witch hunts were on. The fighting between the sages and witches lasted until no one was left, except Balder and Cereza, who was sunk beneath the bottom of a lake, along with the eyes of darkness for the next 600 years by her best friend, Jeanne, in order to protect her, and the eye. Now awake but with no memory of herself, the past and everything else, she adapted a new name, Bayonetta, with help from fallen angel in disguise, Rodin and a rather foul mouth wise guy Italian informant Enzo, she will find out the truth, one way or the other! And as an Umbran witch, the last surviving of her kind alongside her friend, Jeanne, she possess some unique powers, including summoning the limbs of the demon she made a pack with, Madama Butterfly, and can summon demons at will through…….The loss of her clothes! You see, umbran witches derive their power and strength from their…hair! All of Bayonetta clothes are made out of her own hair, which not only clothe her, but also act as her body armor (Don’t ask!). She also uses her hair to access inferno to summon her pet demons to crush angels….Hence whenever she does that….She becomes essentially buck naked (again, don’t ask!). She also utilizes plenty of weapons such her default magical guns, the Scarborough Fair…..Four of them, one on each limb….Yes, including two that are locked onto her ankles and yes, she can indeed fire her “Feet Guns” at will and with aplomb too (again and again, don’t even ask me how she does it!)….And did I mention that she hunts angels for a living?

Anyways, the original game was created by Platinum Games, from the mind of Hedeki Kamiya, the same creator who came up with the popular game series, “Devil May Cry”. The Bayonetta series is in the same vein, a “hack-n-slash” game where the titular character herself, Bayonetta, uses various weapons to “hack” and/or “slash” through multiple enemies in order to reach her destination (hence the name of the genre, “hack-n-slash” games). The first Byonetta game was released on the Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3 in 2009 and sold over 2.5 million copies. However, despite this, the game was deemed to have not met the target sales figures and the sequel was canceled by then publisher Sega. Despite pleading from both Kamiya and Platinum Games to both Microsoft and Sony to save the Sequel, Bayonetta 2, both company disagreed. The sequel was borderline on being canceled when to everyone’s surprise, Nintendo, a company known for its family friendly image (Bayonetta games have always been exceedingly violent with a huge sex appeal factor, as you can see the figure. Both games are rated “M” by the ESRB, equivalent to a rate “R” movie), step in, not only founded the sequel, but also helped Platinum develop the game and published the game from Sega. This did not please the so called “hardcore” gaming community one bit, many of whom actually sent death threats to Kamiya and Platinum for “giving” the game away to Nintendo! Anyways, just how adamant was Nintendo on keeping Bayonetta’s “Mature” theme? There was one story where an artist was drawing one of many Nintendo themed outfit for Bayonetta for the sequel, one outfit features the ever popular titular character “Link” from the Legend of Zelda series (Just how popular the Zelda series is? The late Robin Williams named his daughter, Zelda Williams….After the series!). Thinking Nintendo might like something more family friendly, he drew the outfit covering Bayo’s overtly large boobies…..Nintendo promptly turned him down saying, “This is NOT Bayonetta in any way shape or form!” So he submitted an earlier drawing of Bayonetta wearing a much more open Link outfit that showed a huge amount of her overflowing breasts and breast crack! Nintendo promptly gave the approval!

The game Bayonetta 2 was released in 2014 and sold over 1 million copies on the very poor selling Wii U. The game, along with the original game, was re-released on the now popular Switch and sold another 1.5 million copies to date. Then there is the fact that when Nintendo hosted a voting competition to see who the game players might want in their ever super popular fighting game franchise, Super Smash bros. the vote went to Bayonetta and she won (among Negotiable and Realizable characters cough, cough, cough), pitting her against the like of Mario, Pac-Man, Cloud, and Donkey Kong, and along with her “Amiibo” figurines, she has now reached a cult like status and Nintendo recently just announced a Bayonetta 3 is in the works! A far cry from the time when she was almost buried six feet under!

Yeah, was just trolling Evil Bay and…and…and…Stumbled all across my bae-bae, my waifu…my…ahhh…..my sexy, beloved womanly to hell (ahem, she is a hell demon witch btw!) bae-bae waifu Bayonetta! Originally made by G.O. Cerberus Project TM, she is now made by Modelkitonline from Thailand (among others, including E2043). They have several versions of her. One in which is in her full outfit making a pose that only bae-bae bayo can make. The other is this one, in which most of her clothes are gone, making a “summoning one of my pet hell demon” pose…Just guess which one I picked up!!! Just guess!!!! And the reason?!?!?!?!? WTF do you need a reason?!?!?!? I’m a young (ok…Not that young anymore I suppose….Sigh…..My receding hairline), testosterone raging, handsome (at least I think so), strapping MAN here and no, I’m super-duper-ultra-pick-me-upper into opposite sex of the female persuasion! And when you shove two boobies the size of boulders and a tight @$$ that just make you want to press your own cheek against the…other cheek **AHEM**……It tends to make my “juices” flow quote unquote!!!!!....**AHEM** Anyways….The cost was $40, with shipping, total of $60 or so…A little expensive but worth it! Just a note, this is Bayonetta from Bayonetta 1 with the long beehive style hair. Bayonetta from Bayonetta 2 have a much shorter hair style and a different outfit.

The kit arrived almost a month later. There is no box other than the shipping box (Sorry Scott…So no box cover). There are 30 or something (didn’t count) white resin pieces. These are well casted and already removed from their casting stubs (so no hazardous removal). However, being the fact this kit was first made in 2010, some age are showing. The hair piece that also contains Bae-bae Bayo’s glasses (as Kamiya once said, seeing Bayo taking off her glasses is like wearing pants without the underwear! You just never do!) are almost all covered up with flash…Grr…..This will take some effort to remove! The two main body pieces just don’t match up anymore so some hair dryer and dremel action will be needed to grind and heat treat them into place.

The other thing would be there are A LOT of small pieces. Both of Bayo’s thumbs are separate to help with the fact both hands are holding onto her guns so don’t lose them! Also, speaking of her guns, “Scarborough Fair”, they are all in four different pieces each, the gun itself, the hammer, the pendant, and the overtly elongated trigger guard. Safe to say, after this preview, I superglued all of them in place so I won’t lose any! The last minor issue has to be packaging. There is nothing wrong with it. All of the major pieces are packaged into their own bubble wrap with three further bubble wrapping for the long shipping trip here. Unfortunately, despite all of that effort, her left “hair cape”, a top part broke off during rough handling during shipping. Nothing but some superglue would cure but still annoying to say the least!

The biggest thing though would be the painting…..I got so excited that I ordered my waifu without a thought….It’s only after I played the games some more did I realized just how difficult her painting would be! Her raven black hair notwithstanding, the amount of flesh means that that coloring her flesh with different shading will test your painting skills to the limit (there is a reason why many consider figure painting an art form! Female body painting especially!). On top of that, as I’ve said, her outfit IS her clothes (again, don’t ask!)! That means there will be a lot of black mixed with flesh, and there are some very complicated corners on the figure where the hair meets the flesh….Sigh, better buy another roll of Tamiya tape! This, plus the fact the side of her legs contain black streaks with the center flesh showing, two long cloth hairpin stripes that are red with gold chains, each of her guns have golden details, jewels of different color, and pendants of different colors etc will test your painting skills and patience! Ohh well, you in some, you in some…..But ahhhh….To get my bae-bae waifu on the shelf….WELL WORTH IT!!!! 

So another project on the front burner……Like I don’t have enough of them! I now got three Abramses, a British Challenger I and II, Star Trek’s Reliant and Klingon Vor’Cha class assault cruiser, an E-2C Hawkeye and that Ohio Clas SSBN I need to complete for my club meeting contest etc etc etc etc etc!!!!! So, the original plan was to finish my 1/32 F-15C and then finish my Hawkeye…But now, nope!!! My bae-bae waifu just whiped me into completing her like right now…..Hey man, she was…..persuasive to say the least….Again, Bayonetta, being an Umbran Witch of the type you don’t F**K with, you LISTEN when she speaks! Least she flooooooooking summon goddamn Gomorrah and bite you in half like so many hapless angels!!!!! **Put pinkie up to lips like Dr. Evil**

NOTE: Terminologies

Bayo: Short for Bayonetta, my bae-bae Waifu

Bae-Bae: Japanese bastardization of the English word “Baby”, as in my sweet honey bae-bae.

Waifu: Japanese bastardization of the English word “Wife”, as in, she’s so hot, she’s sooooo “Waifu” material!..........Like a certain angel hunting, angel killing, demon summoning hell spawn witch……..

Have to add Bayonetta is voiced by the very talented Helena Taylor and played with absolute aplomb! Ahh, that famous internet meme, “If you want to learn how to talk to a lady, ask your mum!”……

Donald Zhou

August 2018

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